The Ryder Cup is this weekend, and it’s one of my favorite events on the (semi-annual) sports calendar. Partly because it’s deliciously blended strong cocktail of pressure golf, team pride and nationalism. But also because there is genuine bad blood.
There is far too little good, old fashioned hatred left in sports any more. Particularly in a game like golf, which has always suffered from a deplorable amount of sportsmanship and gentility. All of which goes right into the water hazard when it comes to the Ryder Cup.
It might have started in Brookline in 1999, when the British tabloids responded to Europe’s epic collapse by blaming the (allegedly) drunken hordes of (supposedly) loud, obnoxious Massholes who (reportedly) wouldn’t stop heckling the Euros. Regardless of when it began, the animosity is real. and will no doubt be on display at Hazeltine.
Enter Pete Willett, a British writer for National Club Golfer and brother of Team Europe golfer Danny Willett. He just wrote a classic hate piece about the American golf crowd that should make every blogger proud:
For the Americans to stand a chance of winning, they need their baying mob of imbeciles to caress their egos every step of the way. Like one of those brainless bastards from your childhood, the one that pulled down your shorts during the school’s Christmas assembly (f**k you, Paul Jennings), they only have the courage to keg you if they’re backed up by a giggling group of reprobates. Team Europe needs to shut those groupies up.
They need to silence the pudgy, basement-dwelling, irritants, stuffed on cookie dough and pissy beer, pausing between mouthfuls of hotdog so they can scream ‘Baba booey’ until their jelly faces turn red.
They need to stun the angry, unwashed, Make America Great Again swarm, desperately gripping their concealed-carry compensators and belting out a mini-erection inducing ‘mashed potato,’ hoping to impress their cousin.
They need to smash the obnoxious dads, with their shiny teeth, Lego man hair, medicated ex-wives, and resentful children. Squeezed into their cargo shorts and boating shoes, they’ll bellow ‘get in the hole’ whilst high-fiving all the other members of the Dentists’ Big Game Hunt Society.
Team Europe need to silence these cretins quickly.
Wow. All I can say is “wow.” I’m not even insulted. I just sit at my keyboard in awe at the brilliant use of the common language which separates our people to express his pure, spite-filled contempt for us. It’s like being in the audience at a great insult comic’s show, where you simply admire the skill it takes to pull it off.
So kudos to you, Pete Willett. I’ve written a million hate pieces about fans of the Yankees, Jets, Bills, Ravens, Raiders and more. I’ve mocked and ridiculed fanbases from one end of the continent to the other. But I’m truly humbled in the presence of such talent. And any man who hates the “Baba Booey” crowd and “Get in the hole!” Guy as much as you, can share a hot dog and a pissy beer with me anytime.