I have one question to ask. What the actual hell was this?
I like Kristen Wiig as much as the next guy. She was the last truly good female “Saturday Night Live” cast member. “Bridesmaids” is all her and quite possibly the funniest chick flick of all time. So what was this? I can’t believe it ever got past the planning stage before someone involved said, “This’ll be funny for about five seconds, but not as a full segment on a network talk show.” I mean, at least come up with a premise. Write some material. Break character and admit this is going nowhere instead of beating the dead horse to a bloody pulp.
That said, this is exactly the world I feared we would wake up to Monday morning. All Peyton Manning, all the time. Celebrated, talked about, debated, lauded, glorified and now parodied. And we haven’t even gotten to his retirement announcement yet. Good Lord, this makes me long for the days of the Patriots victory tour and Deflategate speculation. It’s going to be a long offseason.
Allow me to introduce you to @blondebeautybri, the self-proclaimed cosmotologist, elite powerlifter and “fit hustle athlete.” And I have to say, I love this chick’s style. She not only happily posted this video, she’s proud to see it make the rounds on Fox Sports, ESPN and, one can dream, Thornography. Which should teach all you aspiring elite female athletes out there an important life lesson. When you’re in the middle of competing and projectile vomit all over the officials, don’t hide from it. Own it. Granted, if movies have taught me anything, there’s about a 90 percent chance she’s possessed by Satan. But that’s neither here nor there. With or without Lucifer inside her, she’s still pretty badass.
I’ve watched this literally dozens of times. And call me a simpleton, but I laugh out loud every time. And the punchline is the kid behind her who does the Eli Manning face. You can’t script that kind of comedy. So thanks, Bri. You can drink from my canteen any time. Provide you use a ton of mouthwash first.
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The top stories of the day as recounted by Kirk Minihane.
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The top stories of the day as recounted by Minihane.
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SEABROOK, N.H. — Employees at the Seabrook Rest Area/Welcome Center called police on Thursday morning when they saw a naked woman performing lewd acts inside the building, police said.
Responding troopers also said they saw Kristin Woolf, 35, of Quincy, Massachusetts, performing the lewd acts in front of a fireplace in the building at 2:29 a.m., police said.
Police said troopers believed Woolf was under the influence of drugs. She was transported to Exeter Hospital by the Seabrook Fire Department.
Woolf was charged with indecent exposure/lewdness, disorderly conduct and possession of a controlled drug.
Good job, Kristin Woolf. Good effort. Way to represent Quincy in the most Masshole way imaginable.
This whole episode is like a mini cultural exchange program between our two great states. It’s as if a student from France and a student from Sweden met and made a trade of stinky cheese for democratic socialism. New Hampshire provides rest areas with roaring fireplaces, immaculate bathrooms, handy tourist guides and a friendly, helpful retiree to answer all your questions. So Massachusetts sends them a naked druggie from the Mighty Q to show them the meaning of lewd and lascivious. Not to mention, demonstrate why we closed off all our rest areas a long time ago. Because getting high as a lab rat and stripping down naked was about the best behavior we ever saw at those things.
So anyway, thanks to the good people in God’s country of New Hampshire. On behalf of everyone south of the border, I’d like to apologize to those of us who take the whole “Live Free or Die” thing a little too literally.
FRIDAY’S BROADCAST HIGHLIGHTS:
NBA: All-Star Celebrity Game, 7 p.m. (ESPN)
NBA: All-Star Rising Stars Challenge, 9 p.m. (TNT) College basketball: Dayton at Rhode Island, 7 p.m. (ESPN2) College basketball: Ohio at Buffalo, 7 p.m. (ESPNU)
College basketball: Monmouth at Rider, 9 p.m. (ESPNU)
College basketball: UCLA at Arizona, 9 p.m. (ESPN)
College hockey: Maine at Notre Dame, 6:30 p.m. (NBCSN)
“I’m not privy to what the Rockets are doing or not doing with respect to Dwight Howard,” Fegan said. “What I can say, with 100 percent certainty, is that Dwight has not and has never asked the Rockets for a trade. And neither have I.
Howard later backed his agent, telling ESPN, “Dan’s statement is true. I have not asked the Rockets to trade me, nor have I talked about right trades. I want to win. I want this situation to work. I chose this team. And I’m not running because we have been faced with some adversity.”
The Rockets, who replaced Kevin McHale with interim coach J.B. Bickerstaff 11 games into this season, are 27-28 following Wednesday’s 116-103 loss to the Trail Blazers, after which Bickerststaff referred to the Rockets as “a broken team.”
Howard is due to earn $23.3 million next season but is expected to opt out and become an unrestricted free agent. That makes him an option to be traded before next Thursday’s deadline.
There has been speculation that the Celtics will pursue Howard — they certainly could use a center who averages 14.6 points and 12.0 rebounds a game — although there are longstanding questions about Howard’s desire to do what it takes to be a champion. The C’s are said to be interested in Hawks veteran Al Horford, who supposedly is being shopped as well.
— The two teams most affected by the death of Monty Williams’ wife held a moment of silence before they played Thursday night in Oklahoma City.
Williams, the former Pelicans coach who now is an assistant with the Thunder, is on indefinite leave from the team as he tends to his children — three of whom were injured in the car crash that took Ingrid Williams’ life.
After the game, a Thunder win, Durant said: “We love the game so much, but that’s not really what’s important. It’s definitely something that we love to do, but relationships, family — those things — that’s what’s most important in life, not the latest trends or the fashion world or all that stuff. It’s cool and all that stuff, but the stuff that lasts forever is relationships, family and love.”
Thunder coach Billy Donovan said he wasn’t sure how his team would respond in the first game since the tragedy, but he “appreciated” the way they handled the situation.
Durant said the game allowed the players to temporarily shelve the pain.
“Basketball, the effect it has, it allows you to forget about things a little bit, and it also brings you together as a group,” Durant said. “Thankful for that.”
— The Raiders will remain in Oakland — at least for 2016. Raiders owner Mark Davis put on hold his attempt to find a new home for his team and agreed to a one-year extension of his lease at O.co Coliseum. He also indicated he will continue to consider options to keep the team in Northern California.
“It gives us an opportunity to work on a permanent facility for the Raiders here in Oakland,” Davis told reporters. “It gives us some certainty for this season as well as flexibility for the following two seasons.”
The deal, which still needs approval of the Oakland City Council and Alameda County Board of Supervisors, includes two one-year team options for 2017 and ’18.
“I feel very optimistic about the situation,” Oakland-Alameda County Coliseum Joint Powers Authority chair and Oakland City Councilman Larry Reid told The Associated Press. “It gives [Oakland mayor Libby Schaaf] and her team an opportunity to work with the Raiders on putting together a perm facility that will keep the Raiders here in the city of Oakland. This is an NFL city.”
Added Davis: “If people [in other cities] are going to call you and offer you things to look at, you have to look at them. But my heart is here in Oakland, and if we can get something done, that’s what I’m trying to do.”
ON THIS DAY TRIVIA (answer below): On Feb. 12, 1981, which Bruin recorded his 200th career goal when he scored twice in a 3-3 tie vs. the Colorado Rockies?
QUOTE OF THE DAY: “We talked about learning from that game and putting it in the past also and moving forward and that’s all we can really do. I thought tonight was a great response.” — Bruins forward Patrice Bergeron, who scored twice and got in his second career regular-season fight as the B’s rebounded from a 9-2 loss to the Kings with a 6-2 victory over the Jets
STAT OF THE DAY: $5,000 — Amount Maple Leafs forward Nazem Kadri was fined Thursday by the NHL for making a throat-slash gesture at Flames defenseman Mark Giordano during a game earlier in the week
‘NET RESULTS (mobile users, check the website to see the videos): In this Fox Sports promo, NASCAR legend Jeff Gordon attracts the attention of the police while racing to his new job as an analyst with Fox.
The Globetrotters tour ESPN and dunk on employees there.
TRIVIA ANSWER: Rick Middleton
SOOTHING SOUNDS: Gene McDaniels, who died in 2011, was born on this day in 1935.
Jared Carrabis joins Mut Mutnansky to discuss concerns surrounding the Red Sox heading into Spring Training
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