This is an abomination. Lewd, lascivious, salacious, outrageous!
Theft is bad enough. Grand larceny like this is even worse. But to have someone in a Tom Brady jersey commit a heinous act like this is an affront to everything we stand for. It’s treason. And like treason, should be dealt with in the most severe way the law allows.
So it’s up to all of us to catch this guy. Right away. I’m so incensed, I don’t know which movie white guy/authority figure in a suit to quote:
- “I want this little steal-happy bastard caught and hung up by his Buster Browns!” (Mayor Vaughn, “Jaws”)
- “I want him found. Not tomorrow, not after breakfast — now.” (Warden Norton, “Shawshank Redemption”)
- “All right, listen up, people. Our fugitive has been on the run for 12 days. What I want from each and every one of you is a hard-target search of every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse in that area. Checkpoints go up at 15 miles. Your fugitive’s name is Thieving Weasel. Go get him.” (Lt. Gerard, “The Fugitive”)
But in the meantime, while the posse and I are out combing the area around Foxboro and Wilmington for any sign of this sticky-fingered scumbag, investigators will have to rely on the good citizens of New England to keep an eye out for him. That means pawn shops, collectibles stores, anywhere he might try to fence the helmet. Or maybe his friends and family. If they suddenly find an expensive looking Tom Brady autographed skull bucket appearing on a shelf in this jagoff’s house, let’s hope they care more about law and order than they do the Hamburglar here and alert the authorities.
Either way, this guy cannot escape justice for long. It’s only a matter of time before we nab him. And we better do it quick. Before Roger Goodell says the video implicates Brady and suspends him for another four games.