According to Women’s Health Magazine, May is International masturbation month. And to commemorate it, they cite a study done by sex toy company We-Vibe on the masturbation habits of adult Americans. One semi-surprising thing We-Vibe’s team of crack scientists learned is that people don’t crank it to celebrities as much as you think, with only 19 percent of women saying they work out at the Y and 33 percent of men saying they Hitchhike to the Moon while thinking about pop stars.
Here is the top 20 celebrity spank list:
1. Jennifer Lopez
2. Carrie Underwood
3. Jennifer Lawrence
4. Jessica Alba
5. Channing Tatum
6. Emma Watson
7. Kim Kardashian
8. Megan Fox
9. Selena Gomez
10. Taylor Swift
11. Ryan Gosling
12. Adam Levine
14. Janet Mason
15. Jenna Haze
16. Jennifer Aniston
17. Jensen Ackles
18. Johnny Depp
19. Justin Timberlake
20. Kate Upton
Here are my takeaways:
— For starters, this list exposes what I’ve always said about how women lie when they say what they’re attracted to. Ask any chick what they like in a guy and they’ll mention brains, sense of humor, personality. But look at the six guys on this list. Tatum, Gosling, Levine, some soap opera actor, Depp and Timberlake. All of them handsome. Most of them tall, fit muscular. If what women say is true, this list would be filled with Jonah Hills, John C. Reillys, Louis CKs and Zach Galifinakises. Not that there’s a thing wrong with being attracted to super attractive guys like Channing Tatum. But just own it, the way men do. There’s not a Melissa McCarthy on here because men are comfortable admitting we’re shallow and want to have sex with pretty women.
— Janet Mason and Jenna Haze are porn actresses, which automatically disqualifies them from this list. Of course men Whip Up a Batch to them; that’s their job. Putting them on here is like making a list of celebrities we like to watch play golf and including Jordan Spieth.
— There is nothing on Earth more disposable than the female celebrity sex object. Typically they’ve got the shelf life of a tub of yogurt, so you’ve got to admire any of them with staying power. Lopez, Alba, Beyonce’ and Aniston were filling the socks of teenage boys in the ’90s, reinvented themselves a few times, stayed on top and outlasted a thousand other Flavors of the Month. They’re the Jaromir Jagrs of sex fantasies.
— Emma Watson is lovely and a mature, grown woman. Still. There’s not a man who put her on this list that on some level should feel guilty about doing it to Hermoine Grainger.
— Every time Kim Kardashian makes a list of this sort, I weep for my country.
— I did note that there’s not one blogger, sports radio co-host, book author or stand up comic on the list. I’m sure I just missed the cut.
— One man’s list of the toughest omissions: Scarlet Johannsen, Jessica Biel, Emilia Clarke, Kate Beckinsale, Mila Kunis, Olivia Munn and Sofia Vergara. Feel free to tell me who I missed in the comments section.
Happy International masturbation month, everybody.
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