Christian is resisting the return the of the Whiner Line and is suggesting some new segments. The inaugural "Christian's Comedy Minute" did not perform as well as he hoped, but we got some good phone calls out of it.
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We’re in an age now where the Super Bowl commercial phenomenon is no longer just a one-day event, it’s a season. Almost as long as the Christmas ad season or award show season. These ads are being released online earlier and earlier now until you’ve seen them all by kickoff. But that’s not even the most disturbing trend in this once-proud institution. Judging by the ads released so far this year and the ones we’ve seen in the recent past, there’s a movement away from the one element that made the Super Bowl ad a great American tradition.
There was a time not too long ago when these ads were designed to stop red-blooded, meat-eating, hard-drinking ‘Merican men from getting up to eat, drink or pee and during timeouts and keep their eyeballs on the TV screen. And it was hot, sexy, often famous chicks in various stages of undress. But like many of our great institutions, it’s being watered down, gentrified and made safer to appeal to the lowest common denominator. Cleavage and bare midriffs have been replaced with the bland and antiseptic. Animals. Cute kids. Has-been celebrities. Heartwarming little slices o’ life. And heartwarming little slices o’ life involving animals, cute kids and has-been celebrities. They’re taking away our Super Bowl ad sex and replacing it with “Ellen.”
So today I offer you a look back at our not-to-distant past. To a glorious time when corporate America was not afraid to appeal to grown men. Presenting one man’s list of the Top 10 Sexiest Super Bowl Ads of All Time.
10. Britney, Beyonce and Pink for Pepsi
Two of the hottest women in pop music, plus Pink, who’s also really talented, dressed as Warrior Princess and rocking out. If you’re wondering what the pleasure center of my subconscious looks like, this is pretty much it. The part around the two-minute mark where Bey does that little booty shake is one of the most underrated Super Bowl moments ever.
9. Megan Fox for Motorola
It’s hard to contemplate it now, but there was a brief moment in our history where Megan was the “It” girl. Before she got all skinny and crazy and not even worth stopping to look at on the rare occasions she ends up on a gossip site. This ad, while suffering from an appalling lack of skin, captured her at that exact moment.
8. Britney solo for Pepsi
This was Britney at the height of her powers. The synthesized voice. The belly shirt. The still semi-dangerous barely legal sensuality. In other words, before she became a 32-year-old divorced mother of three.
7. Halle Berry for M&Ms
This would have been higher on the list if they didn’t make the bizarre editorial decision to put Halle Berry in a bikini and keep her under the water the entire time. But “Halle Berry” plus “bikini” equal enough to get you on this list.
6. Kate Upton for Carl’s Jr.
I admit to cheating by including this because it never actually aired. Every year some advertiser pulls a viral marketing trick where they release a “banned” ad that was too racy for TV and rake in the free publicity. Sue me.
5. Go Daddy in court
WWE diva Candace Michelle, a great play on the “Wardrobe Malfunction” and a bunch of dirty old men. This was a get-the-kids-out-of-the-room classic.
4. Cindy Crawford for Pepsi
This one came out during a time when you literally could not walk in and out of a store without having Cindy Crawford stare out at you from at least one magazine. And from the car to the hair to the cutoffs, it might be the one minute that perfectly encapsulates the 1990s. I’m pretty sure it jump started the puberties not only of those two kids, but millions across the nation.
3. Ali Landry catches Doritos in her mouth
This ad actually launched the career of Ali Landry. A career that would skyrocket to heights like being a staple in Maxim and small roles in early 2000s classics like “Felicity” and “Pensacola: Wings of Gold.” She was the rare overnight sensation, and owes all her success to those 3-D snack treats. I miss them, but fortunately her star turn lives forever on the Internet.
2. Adriana Lima for Victoria’s Secret
It is simplicity itself. The world’s most beautiful woman. A football. And the mere suggestion you’d be getting into the end zone with her after the game. Sex and football, boiled down to their essential elements.
1. Miller Lite girls wrestle in a fountain
This one is the gold standard for all sexy Super Bowl ads because it has it all. Hot women. Water. Comedy. Girl kisses. And the twist ending that makes it all meta and justifies the fact you’ve been watching two chicks wrestle in dripping wet clothes. It, like the others on this list, make you proud to be an American on our greatest national holiday. Let’s just hope we haven’t seen the last of their kind.
As Johnny Manziel's problems with alcohol and domestic disputes continue, news broke today that his agent has parted ways him. His father also has concerns for his son, who he fears will not live to be 24 years old unless he seeks rehabilitation.
This is the Carolina Panthers rap we played on Dale & Holley with Thornton’s Final Drive on Thursday. And I post it here as an instructive life lesson.
The girl’s name is Lang Maddox, which sounds less like the “actress” she claims to be and more like the evil business magnate from a superhero comic, but that’s neither here nor there. Lang is, to be fair, about a Carolina 6. And my guess is she’s been told all her life that she’s a 9. Which means no one has ever leveled with her and told her she’s awful at rapping, this song is horrendous, she should never post this video and instead just stick to trying to land a role in some local community theater production of “Rent” or something.
But that sort of frank, honest leveling almost never happens with semi-cute chicks. Guys tell them what they want to hear in hopes of maybe getting to see them naked, and in the long run do them a grave disservice. It’s how we end up with Rebecca Black’s “Friday” and pageant contestants who think America is bad at geography because we don’t have enough maps of “the Iraq.” I know it’s difficult, but a little cold, hard truth might have spared us from lyrics like, “It takes more than negativity to make Superman frown.” And that would be a pure good.
Rob Gronkowski is in Santa Clara for Super Bowl 50 festivities. During a segment with FoxSports1 reporter Julie Stewart-Binks, Gronk told a story about giving lap dances in college. Stewart-Binks asked Gronk to replicate the performance. Gronk did. Predictably, the internet was outraged. The guys discuss the national reactions.
At the first ever NFL Women’s Summit on Thursday, Commissioner Roger Goodell announced that he will be implementing an update to the Rooney Rule that will make it a requirement that women be interviewed for executive positions throughout the league, as well as in NFL offices.
“We believe in diversity,” Goodell said. “We believe we’re better as an organization when we have good people at the table. We have great people at the table. We’re also seeing it on the field.”
The first full-time female assistant coach, Kathryn Smith, was hired by the Bills last month. Jen Welter made headlines when she joined the Cardinals as an inside linebackers coach during the preseason, and this season Sarah Thomas became the first female official in NFL history.
“Sarah was our first female NFL official on the field this year,” Goodell said. “She did a fantastic job, and we’re very proud of her. We also have people breaking into the coaching ranks. Jen was the first coach last year. She set a trend, and we now have a second coach with the Buffalo Bills.”
Because of the new rule, the NFL should see this trend continue in the near future.
“You can see that progress is being made and our commitment is, we have something called the Rooney Rule, which requires us to make sure when we have an opening that on the team or the league level that we are going to interview a diverse slate of candidates,” said Goodell. “Well, we’re going to make that commitment and we’re going to formalize that we, as a league, are going to do that for women as well in all of our executive positions. Again, we’re going to keep making progress here and make a difference.”
Washington Post — Five days before a documentary alleged that quarterback Peyton Manning and other star athletes had used performance-enhancing drugs, two men hired by Manning’s lawyers visited the parents of the documentary’s key witness. Both men wore black overcoats and jeans and, according to a 911 call from the house that evening, one initially said he was a law enforcement officer but didn’t have a badge.
After they told their daughter to call 911 the night of Dec. 22, Randall and Judith Sly stepped outside to talk to the strangers, who clarified they were private investigators, not cops. They had come to this red brick house with a well-manicured lawn looking for the Slys’ 31-year-old son, Charlie, a pharmacist who was the primary source in the upcoming documentary. …
Manning’s lawyers … hired investigators to identify, locate and interrogate Sly, and sent a lawyer to examine Peyton and Ashley’s medical records at the Guyer Institute of Molecular Medicine in Indianapolis. …
The story Sly said he made up contained at least a bit of truth, though: The Guyer Institute did ship medication to Ashley Manning, [Manning spokesman Ari] Fleischer confirmed.
Nothing to see here, folks. No need to be alarmed, citizens. It’s nothing more than Peyton Manning‘s hired goons doing a little bit of witness intimidation. Men in Black, showing up at the door of Charlie Sly’s parents and sister in order to make him forget all about the HGH he shipped to Peyton’s place. Only instead of using those little strobe light things, these guys take your memory with fear and passing themselves off as law enforcement.
So this is the way America’s Sweetheart conducts business. His thugs scare the crap out of old people at the door of their private residence while his other operatives are going through the medical records. And now all Manning is asking us to believe is:
Those gorillas who showed up at Mr. and Mrs. Sly’s door and lied about being cops were paying a friendly visit, not scaring anyone to the point they’d call 911.
The lawyer who “examined” the medical records at Guyer didn’t take out anything that would damage Manning if there was a further investigation by the NFL.
The HGH that was shipped to Manning’s house was for Ashley. Peyton might have been flying around the world seeking treatments for his four neck surgeries that aren’t legal in the United States, but he drew the line at taking his wife’s hormone treatments. That would be wrong.
He came back after his surgeries to have the best year of his career in his late 30s and set a record for touchdown passes. But he wasn’t on anything illegal.
I want to be clear: I don’t care that Peyton Manning might have used the miracle of modern chemistry to get back on the field and enhance his performance. All I’ve ever demanded is that he be judged by the same standard Tom Brady was on Deflategate. But that was before this latest development. Now that we know Manning’s people are running around scaring witnesses, tampering with evidence and admitting that he did get HGH sent to his house, we’ve got something no one ever had on Brady — an actual case. Well done, Washington Post. Now let’s see if anyone in America cares.
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