FLORHAM PARK, N.J. — The New York Jets are not messing around when it comes to trying to make this trip to London as comfortable as humanly possible.
Among the more than 5,000 items the Jets sent to London for their game against the Miami Dolphins were 350 rolls of toilet paper, according to The New York Times.
The franchise that brought us the “Butt Fumble” apparently isn’t chancing anything with the thinner toilet paper across the pond.
“Some may say that’s a little over the top or whatnot, but it didn’t really cost that much, so why not?” Aaron Degerness, Jets senior manager of team operations, said to the Times. “We’re basically trying to replicate everything that we’re doing here over there.”
“Everything that we’re doing here over there”? Did the Jets’ operations guy really suggest that his team goes through 350 rolls of toilet paper a week? Let’s use round numbers and say that between players and coaches the Jets have 70 guys. Divide 350 by that and we’re talking about five rolls per man to last them seven days. Are they kidding us? What’s going on with them? Is there a stomach bug going around or something? Because I spent a year of my life living with three other dudes and I’m not sure we went through five rolls between us. Sometimes I’d leave on a Friday to go do a weekend of comedy knowing there was a half a roll in the house and come back Sunday to find it hadn’t been touched. It’s a guy thing. So how is it the Jets feel they’ll need so much? Are they planning on wrapping gifts with it or something?
And why does an American team feel the need to bring its own? The UK has been one of the most advanced civilizations in the world since the Norman Invasion. Does it not have toilet paper? What do the English use? Copies of the London Times and the liners from fish and chips baskets? If their toilet paper situation is so dire and I’m advising Mr. Kraft, I’d tell him to get his paper empire rolling (no pun intended, but I won’t disown it) and corner the market, posthaste.
I didn’t know who to go with for this game since it’s on a neutral site, but there’s no way I’m not taking Miami now. Any team that can’t function without bringing its own TP is a team that’s beaten before the game is even played. I guarantee you that when the Patriots go on the road Bill Belichick preps them for any toilet paper contingency, from having to deal with that crappy (I meant that pun) single-ply public bathroom kind to finding nothing but an empty cardboard tube. That way the focus stays on the game, and not how soft the Charmin is. This is just further proof that the Jets will always be the Jets.
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