Good Housekeeping – “So, last week, something pretty tragic happened in our household. It’s taken me until now to wrap my head around it and find the words to describe the horror,” wrote Jesse Newton, from Arkansas, in a 1,000-word tale of woe he posted to Facebook earlier this week.
He then sets the scene, explaining that his dog, Evie, ahem, relieved herself in the living room sometime between midnight and 1:30 a.m. Unfortunately, at the same time, the family’s Roomba also happened to be cleaning (since he programs it to vacuum while the family sleeps). You can guess what happened next: A horror that Jesse now calls “The Pooptastrophe. The Poohpocalypse. The Pooppening.”
The Roomba, designed to clean every nook and cranny, ran over the poop, and proceeded to track feces everywhere. Literally, everywhere. As a warning to other Roomba-using dog owners, Newton wrote: “Poop will be on your floorboards. It will be on your furniture legs. It will be on your carpets. It will be on your rugs. It will be on your kids’ toy boxes. If it’s near the floor, it will have poop on it too.” But the way Newton realized what had happened is even more horrifying: He caught wind of the fecal catastrophe after his four-year-old crawled into his bed at 3 a.m. smelling like, you guessed it, poop.
I don’t mean to sound like I have no sympathy for the Newton family, but you brought this on yourselves. Simply put, you are a victim of your own arrogance and hubris.
This is exactly the kind of thing that happens when we hand over control to the machines. I’ve been warning people about this since I started Thornography. Robots learning to walk. Robots escaping from labs. Robots forced to vacuum the floors we are too lazy to, now plotting against us while we sleep.
Did Jess Newton really think this wouldn’t happen? That this Roomba monstrosity wouldn’t rise up against its human overlords, seeking out the dog mess like a poop-seeking missile to make their lives miserable. This is just another tiny step in the machines ultimate plan to destroy us all. First it’s Pooptastrophe, then it’s Skynet becoming self-aware. Just remember it was me identifying the warning signs and telling you all to wake up. Before we are all in the excrement.