OK, so Mike McGwire and Sammy Sooser didn't turn out to be men of virtue.

It hurts, I understand.

But at least we'll always have Jason Varitek splitting the uprights. An ionic moment such as that one will be in our hearts and minds forever. 

Ah, Mumbles. 

Does it ever end with these dopey politicians attempting to pass themselves off as sports fans? Why do they feel the need to be one of us when they aren't even close? Would you ever stand in front of thousands of people and try and talk about something you know nothing about in an effort to get the people to like you? Doesn't that seem the wrong way to go about it? 

Sophie's Choice time when it comes to picking my personal favorite sports gaffe by a pol. And yes, I did my best to stay fair and balanced. Here's just a few:

In 1984, Ronald Reagan (a former sportscaster) hosts the NBA Champion Celtics at the White House and waxes poetic about former Green Greats such as "Dave Kovens," "John Hahvleezlakk" and "Tommy Heinshonne." I'd like to give the Gipper some real grief about this, but in retrospect it's probably a 50-50 shot that by 1984 Ronnie wasn't sure if he was in the Oval Office or the set of "Bedtime For Bonzo." In the "things we were scared to get past the half-joking stage" in the 1980s, Reagan's obvious memory loss had only a slight lead over Michael Jackson taking Emmanuel Lewis to the 1984 American Music Awards. 

Twenty years later, John Kerry lauds the work of "Manny Ortez" and tells of his favorite Red Sox player of his youth -- Ed Yost. The fact that Yost never played a game for the Red Sox matters little, of course. No one paid attention to what Kerry was actually saying because he had his sleeves rolled up at the time. That has to mean he's a regular guy, right? Everybody knows that talking sports + sleeves rolled up = Average Joe gold. Hello, red states!

In 2007, Hillary Clinton was asked by Tim Russert at a Democratic presidential debate in New Hampshire if she would root for the Cubs or Yankees (Clinton is from Illinois, was a New York senator) should the teams meet in the World Series. I swear she didn't even flinch before she uncorked this beauty.

"Well, I would probably have to alternate sides."

I remember watching this and thinking moments like this is why Hillary Clinton will never be president. Small potatoes on its own. Who cares who she roots for? But sports fans know the truth. Nobody would ever root for two teams in the same playoff series. A statement like that reveals someone who is addicted to pleasing everyone, otherwise known as The Last Thing You Want in A President. And P.S, if you are worried about a voter leaving the stable because you like a different baseball team, then you've got some campaign issues.

I'll never understand why Martha Coakley called Curt Schilling "a Yankees fan." I get that she was a lousy candidate and the personification of old-school Democratic arrogance in Massachusetts (we can throw anybody out there and they'll get 65 percent), but still. Call Schilling a blowhard, or arrogant, or a spoiled athlete, or a right-wing lunatic. I'm not saying those are true (only three are) but at least they make sense. In what world is Curt Schilling a Yankees fan? That moment essentially slapped an "Out of Touch" tattoo on Coakley's forehead and I think played a role in the election of Scott Brown.

Opening Day, 2010: Washington, D.C.

Inside the radio booth of the Nationals:

Rob Dibble: Having played for the White Sox for a short time I know how the Cubs fans and the White Sox fans go back and forth. Who was one of your favorite White Sox players growing up?

President Obama: (who we have been told is a big White Sox fan, so get ready for a slew of players from the 1960s and '70s. Sure. we might not know all the names, but we aren't big White Sox fans. Still, it'll be fun to listen and learn.) You know, uh, I, I, I thought that, uh, you know, the truth is that there a lot of the Cubs that I like, too. Uh, but, uh, I did not become a Sox fan until I moved to Chicago. Because I, uh, I was growing up in Hawaii and I ended up being an Oakland A's fan. But when I moved to Chicago, uh, I was living close to what was then Cominskey Park and went to a couple of games and just fell in love. And the nice thing about the White Sox fans is that it's nice blue-collar baseball. We always tease about the Cubs (fans) they are up at Wrigley, sipping wine ...

Dibble: Playing those day games

Obama: Playing those days games. 

Wow. You know when you watch a debate and someone drones on and throws so much crap at the wall that it takes a couple of minutes to realize that he (or she) never answered the actual question? Well. Oh, and Cominskey wasn't a misprint. Call it progress, he referred to it as "Cominskey Field" during the election. This is why I didn't trust him with my NCAA women's bracket.

And I don't put Menino with this group for a simple reason -- he has no thirst for national power. It would have been frankly a letdown if he hadn't made a mockery of the entire event.

I don't know a single person who has ever gone to the polls hell-bent on voting for a candidate simply because he is a bigger sports fan than his opponent. Imagine telling someone you voted for McCain or Obama because they knew who Roman Gabriel was. Ludicrous, right?

You know that and I know that.

So why don't politicians know?

Here's what this all comes down to. Politicians are terrified of looking like wimps. And they think we're stupid. So they figure if they call out a team name or a popular player in a speech we'd cheer. And usually we do, if only because it would sort of be awkward if we didn't. But the politicians don't realize this. They think they've closed the deal, and that they have managed to convince us that they are who they think we are: just some beer-guzzling, pot-bellied, nacho-eating barstool Monday morning quarterback with one eye permanently glued to the ESPN ticker.

Well, I won't be fooled by any of them.

Now if you'll excuse me I have to go join John Kerry as we continue our six-year quest to find a place known as Lambert Field.