"Honey, don't you understand? Sure, I slept with 19 women. OK, I was wrong. Not huge. I agree. But that was when I wasn't a Buddhist!"

What a terrible job by Tiger this morning. Just another train wreck. If that was a round of golf, he shot about 78. Just scarily robotic. They should  have broke out the "Small Wonder" theme song when he walked to the podium.

Some highlights ...

Anyone else notice that the only time his voice seemed to change was when he denied using performance-enhancing drugs? That was about the only real moment he had on that stage. Every other time the script called for a change in emotion (talking about his kids, mom or Elin) he gave it his best but wasn't able to get it done. He should have used Daniel Day Lewis as a stand-in for those spots. You know that PED stuff must have driven him crazy. And even if he never did the stuff (and who knows if he did) he has lost so much credibility that some people will never believe him again on any issue.

No Elin, of course. But at least Michael Jordan was there — at least according to Brad Faxon. And if you are trying to take Step 1 in moving away from the image of a serial cheater, who better to bring along to the presser? What, the ghost of Mickey Mantle wasn't available?

From a golf perspective, itsure sounds like he's not playing in the Masters. That takes a TON of juice out of that event. Winning a major without Tiger in the field is about the equivalent of winning an NBA title without the Lakers, Cavs, Magic and Celtics participating in the playoffs.

Does the fact that I spent the last 10 minutes trying to find out who the nice-looking older woman sitting next to Tiger's mom was make me a sex addict? It doesn't, right? Just to be safe, I think I'll blast through a quick chapter of "A Concise Introduction To Tibetan Buddhism" during lunch.

(Sorry, Tiger. The "I drifted away from Buddhism in the mid-'90s" card doesn't quite play. I've tried it. Trust me.)

I'm not suggesting that what he had to do Friday morning was easy. No way. But I think he should have done it in a less formal environment (why did there have to be people sitting in the room, anyway? It looked like he was accepting a Man of the Year Award at the local Knights of Columbus) and maybe just used some bullet points instead of reading a speech (that he clearly didn't write.) Might have helped him seem like, I don't know, an actual human being. Even the slow walk over with the head down before hugging Mom at the end seemed to me endlessly rehearsed.

But maybe it'll work. I'm looking at an ESPN poll right now and 71 percent believe that he was sincere in his comments. And Rick Reilly (aka America's No. 1 Jock Sniffer) was just gushing over the speech on TV after. But for me it was another miss in what is becoming (non-O.J. division) simply the most bizarre downfall of any public figure in my lifetime.