A brisk nine with Tiger before he gives the most heavily-anticipated quasi-press conference in history. All three networks are cutting in live to show this, the first time this has been done for an athlete since Brett Szabo's retirement announcement in July of 1997.

1. Will Tiger give us the Kobe/A-Rod press conference fake cry, or will he actually go The Full Vermeil and break down?

Kobe's was the best, wasn't it? He was like the bizarro Meryl Streep. His 2009 playoff face was really closely related to his press conference face, actually. Not quite brothers, more like cousins. Like Dora and Diego (what, you don't watch that every morning?)

I predict no tears from Tiger, but you will get the "step back, put the hand on the mouth and take a deep breath" move at least once. Guaranteed. I bet that tested really well with the fifty focus groups they ran this statement by over the past few days. I also predict that during the reading of the statement he will refrain from sexting almost completely. And if he manages to pull that off it will be huge. Quickly. Bye.

2. Is there any chance that Elin shows up?

About none, I'd guess. Even when things were (seemingly) swell you almost never saw her. I still don't think I've ever heard her speak. And I'm thinking she's probably not at the point where she wants to throw him a lifeboat. So no. Frankly, I'd be less surprised if he showed up with all 19 of his harem and faithfully reenacted Act II of "A Chorus Line."

(By the way, someone told me that Elin was wearing just a bra and panties when she went out and bashed Tiger's car in. This person would have no way of knowing that, but it remains the sexiest image I can possibly think of and I stand by it as 100 percent true. So much so that I told another person the same story except I added that she was slightly drunk and wearing heels. There is no point to this, except that I am emotionally vacant.)

3. Why now?

Good question. Tim Finchem (PGA Tour commish) hinted that he may be heading back into rehab and this was the only day that fit into his schedule. Seems strange to me, but I guess that it's possible. I don't know if Dr. Drew is OK with all this, but I guess we'll have to wait for the season premiere. I understand that Tiger is rooming with Jonny Fairplay and Bernie Kopell, so that should be good television.

4. Hey, how is it possible that no one but Tiger knew that he was messing around? Really, no one else?

Yeah, I could buy him keeping maybe a half dozen or quiet, but 19? I don't know, everyone from Mark O'Meara (the Charles Oakley to his Michael Jordan, to give you an idea of just how white the PGA Tour is) to Steve Williams to Charles Barkley to each of the 19 girls claim to have known nothing. Impossible, of course. And this is arguably the most famous person in the world. I'm shocked that one PGA player hasn't come forward and basically said "come on, we all knew this was going on." I mean, the story was going to break a couple of years ago before Tiger's people made a deal to kill it (The Enquirer had it cold, but it was squashed when Tiger agreed to do a cover shoot and interview with Men's Fitness, owned by the same parent company as the Enquirer.) So it was out there.

5. Will there be any surprises in the statement? 

Besides his preference for the new "We Are the World" over the original? No, you are going to get exactly what you're expecting. He'll apologize, admit his mistakes, acknowledge that he's getting help and that'll be it. I have to work to do to keep my family, please respect our privacy as we do so, all that stuff. We know the whole album by now with these kinds of deals, right? Some people are, I think, expecting that he'll announce his return date to the PGA Tour but I don't think that'll happen. Not that kind of event. He'll be in and out of there in two minutes, the old "Perkins Special", as he might call it.

(The irony of all this, of course, is that we all are waiting to hear what Tiger has to say when in the 15 years or so we have known him he has never said a single interesting thing. There is no worse interview in sports. Straight out of the Jordan/Derek Jeter "give them nothing" school. Jonathan Papelbon has had more quality sound bites in any single interview than Woods has had in his career. Any chance Papelbon can make the 300-mile drive from Fort Myers to Ponte Vedra and act as Tiger's spokesman?)

6. Why no questions from the press?

Come on, we know why. Nobody is more protected (all irony aside.) And I get that they don't want a TMZ fest in there. But I'd let a couple of respected veteran golf writers in the room to at least ask a few softballs. The people advising Tiger (and Tiger himself) have screwed this whole post-car crash era up from soup to nuts. Have they done anything right? This "press conference" is already been judged a failure for Tiger before it even happens. That's not an easy feat to pull off.

Now what he should do is take a page from A-Rod and McGwire and pick a friendly face (a Jim Nantz or Kelly Tilghman or even Oprah) and sit down for an hour and take his medicine. Try and put the ball back in the fairway, if you'll allow a pathetic attempt to tie it all in. And I suspect that will happen at some point in the next couple of months, assuming he cares about trying to restore his image.

7. If the Stuttering John of, say, 1996 was allowed into the room what would be the one question he would shout at Tiger?

One of these three, I would imagine.

"Tiger, Tiger. If you really are a sex addict how did you resist grabbing Phil Mickelson's breasts for all those years?" 

"Are you wearing a condom right now?"

"Do you think Evan Bayh deciding not to seek reelection for his Senate seat in Indiana is a death blow to the health care bill?"

8. With the addition of Nate Robinson is this officially the most unlikable Celtics team of your lifetime?

Hey, how did this sneak in here? Can Danny bring in more team chemistry killers? How about trading a couple of first-rounders for Carl Everett and Roger Dorn?

As long as you really like guys that don't care about winning or losing as long as they get their shots then Nate is the guy for you. And who has played in more big games? At least Eddie House hasn't had about 50 big playoff moments in two years or anything. Out in the second round. Book it. But at least Rasheed Wallace will be back next year.

9. Back to Tiger. Why, again, should we care about this statement/press conference/whatever it is?

You shouldn't. It couldn't be any less our business. Any of it. And that's what Tiger should say. I'd think more of him if this was the statement:

"Good morning. I've already apologized countless times to those that deserve an apology for what I've done. It isn't enough, of course, but it's all I can do. To everyone else, I offer nothing. If you don't want to root for me on the golf course because of my indiscretions that is your right. But I won't apologize to you, just as I wouldn't expect you to apologize to me if you had 19 or 1,900 affairs. I play the game of golf better than anyone else has ever played it. That's where it ends when it comes to me and greatness. I'm just like the guy next to you on the subway when you take the club out of my hands. And if that realization means I'll never be in another commercial again it means I'll never be in another commercial again. I've been in plenty of them and look where it got me. So I'll just play golf now, and you will always wonder what it is I'm doing when I'm not golfing. That's OK, too. Thanks."

May not pass the focus group test but it would get him a little closer to Papelbon on the sound bite chart. That counts for something, doesn't it?