I would like to apologize to everyone.

That’s not to say I feel like I have anything to apologize for. Nor am I under the delusion anyone cares enough about what I do or say to expect an apology. I mean what I said quite literally. I would like to apologize. To everyone. Just because I think it would be fun.

Let’s face it — you’re nothing in today’s world if you’re not publicly saying you’re sorry for something. Anybody who’s anybody has committed some transgression so heinous that no simple apology will suffice. Saying, “I’m sorry” to the specific people you’ve wronged and you’re basically admitting you’re a nobody. “My bad” is for 15-year-olds texting their girlfriends. “Mea maxima culpa” went out the window with Latin Mass. You’re nothing in this life unless your acts of selfishness and stupidity can only be rectified by apologizing to the entire world. And that means your wife, your kids. Your fans. Ladies and gentlemen of the press. The sycophants in your entourage. Street vendors. Eskimos. The Dutch. The homeless guy who lives in the dumpster behind Fenway Park. Everybody.

Public confessions are the new status symbol. They are the standard by which all famous people are judged. One hundred and fifty years ago, being a truly Big Deal meant you monopolized an industry. You had obscene amounts of money and the political power of a kingmaker. It meant owning a ridiculous mansion in Newport that the great-great-grandchildren of the men who dropped dead on your factory floors would someday visit on school field trips so they could appreciate just how fricking poor they truly are.

But today, being a titan of industry is, to steal a line from the Wizard of Oz, a mediocre commodity. Every pimply-faced virgin is one computer program away from owning a monopoly. (Or the Dallas Mavericks.) Any minor leaguer with decent hand-eye coordination and a good masking agent can be a multi-millionaire. Hell, someone slapped a blond wig on Billy Ray Cyrus’ tone-deaf daughter and turned her into a pubescent US Mint. Being rich doesn’t make you a Big Deal anymore. To be important, to be noteworthy, to really be somebody, you’ve got to have done something for which you can offer the big, massive, heartfelt public apology.

Tiger Woods. John Edwards. Steve Phillips. A-Rod. Michael Vick. Eliot Spitzer. Michael Phelps. David Letterman. Kobe Bryant. Each of them gave a rehearsed, scripted public plea for forgiveness written by some paid PR person and the whole world stopped to watch. Hell, we broke down the tape of the apologies and analyzed them like a Belichick coaching assistant breaking down game film. We took notes, shared our thoughts on the Internet, on talk radio and at work the next day and then watched the recap of the apology on the TV talk shows the next day. Celebrity “I’m sorry’s” are big business now to the point where I’m planning on launching an all-apology cable channel: The “Oops!” Network.

Screw baseball. The public apology is our new National Pastime. It’s been worked on, improved and even elevated to an art form. But it hasn’t been perfected. Until now.

I, for one, am sick of public displays of remorse being only for the rich and famous. I might only be a working stiff, but it’s not fair that whenever I screw up royally I only get to answer to one person. Next time I pull in at 3 a.m., park on the lawn and stumble in the house with a full liver and an empty wallet, I want to be able to tell My Irish Rose I’ve called a press conference for the morning to explain everything.

So that’s why I’ve developed The Apology-o-Matic (trademark Jerry Thornton, 2010, all rights reserved). The Apology-o-Matic (TM) is a full-proof, all-purpose, one size fits all system to handle all your public apology needs. Never again will begging 6 billion complete strangers to forgive you be just for the wealthy and powerful. Now anybody with a human frailty can memorize this simple script, plug your own transgressions into the brackets where appropriate, and, voila! You’ve got the perfectly scripted, heartfelt, truly remorseful public apology. (Note: I’ve provided some examples for each of the bracketed spaces, to show you how it works and get you started.

The Apology-o-Matic (TM) all-in-one public statement:

“Good morning and thank you all for joining me. First of all, this has been a very difficult period for myself and my family while [these allegations have come out / my mistresses have kept coming forward / my positive drug test was made public / the Feds have closed in on me]. And I want to offer my sincerest thanks for all the support I’ve gotten from [my fans / my friends and relatives / people who’ve stopped me in the street / the group of middle aged strangers Nike handpicked to sit here and look sympathetic while I talk]. Your faith has helped me stay strong throughout this [ordeal / scandal / criminal investigation / humiliating blow to my maniacally oversized ego].

“As you know, over the last several weeks it’s been revealed that I have [cheated on my wife / bet on baseball / smoked weed / took steroids / ran an interstate dogfighting ring]. And for that, I offer my sincerest apologies. I am sorry to anyone I’ve hurt, especially [my wife and children / my wife who’s dying of cancer / my other mistresses I promised I’d marry]. But also I would like to say ‘I’m sorry’ to [my teammates / the children I’ve disappointed / my charitable foundation / my campaign staff / my sponsors who will exercise the Morals Clause and cost me millions if I don’t apologize] for letting you down.

“Let me make this very clear. I am entirely at fault for my actions and I want to express how sorry I am [that I made mistakes / disappointed those who believe in me / got caught / looked you all in the eye and lied through my teeth about this for weeks]. I realize now that I have a problem. I am addicted to [alcohol / unprotected sex / gambling / increased power numbers / killing dogs / fat, homely 20-year-old interns] and I am working to overcome this addiction. Through my faith in [God / Jesus / Allah / Buddha / my agent] I am doing everything I can to make sure I never [drink / solicit a $500 a night call girl / do drugs / knock up a campaign videographer / solicit gay sex in an airport men’s room] ever again.

“And as I try to make things right with [my wife / God / the league / my child support payments] I am asking at this time for privacy so that my family and I can [work things out / spare my children the embarrassment / keep a low profile until the next time it helps my image to release pictures of me with my family in a phony, loving pose that makes it look like we’re the friggin’ Huxtables].

“Again, I thank you all. And God bless.”

So there you have it. The template that will make it easy for everyone... famous, infamous, or anonymous... to issue the perfect public “Sorry,” the Apology-o-Matic (TM) way. I guarantee it will work. And if it doesn’t? I’ll gladly apologize.