WYFF, South Carolina — Residents of a Greenville County apartment complex say clowns have tried to lure their children into the woods with large amounts of money, and deputies have released the report Monday in connection to the claims. …
A woman told the deputy that her son told her that he saw several clowns in the woods “whispering and making strange noises” [and] flashing green laser lights before they ran away. The woman’s older son told the deputy that he heard chains and banging on the front door of their home on the night of Aug. 20. …
Another resident told the deputy that when she was walking to her home on Aug. 21 at about 2:30 a.m., she saw a large clown with a “blinking nose” standing under lamp post near a dumpster. She said the clown waved at her, but did not approach her or speak.
The deputy said other children told him that several clowns appeared in the woods and tried entice them into the woods by showing them large amounts of cash. The children said they think the clowns live in a house near a pond at the end of a trail in the woods.
I’ll start with a little insider-blogging for you all. It’s taken me longer to write this than anything I’ve ever posted. Because after reading the news story, I had to spend a few hours curled up in the fetal position in a corner of my bedroom, sucking my thumb and sobbing uncontrollably. But I’ll finish this thing because it’s my duty.
Suffice to say that after this, I no longer fear death, because there are things in this life that are worse. Much, much worse. Chief among them is a pack of whispering, chain-rattling clowns with laser pointers and blinking ties, living in a house near a pond at the end of a trail in the woods, luring kids with cash, knocking on doors in the middle of the night and silently waving at ladies while they stand next to dumpsters. Nothing could be worse than that. I would welcome the sweet, peaceful release of death before I’d ever be able to live near a forest crawling with child-napping sadistic clowns.
I mean, way to check every box on my “Nightmare Fuel” list, Greenville. As if your garden-variety kid party clown isn’t creepy enough. These South Carolina Forest Clowns are right out of the deepest recesses my subconscious. Every phobia I have, all rolled into one terrifying package, right down to the “Scary Hillbilly” archetype. They make Pennywise sound like Krusty the Klown. And he not only came from Stephen King’s darkest drug phase, “It” scared me so much I carry an irrational fear of pronouns.
My advice to anyone living on the edge of this Hell on Earth is to get the hell out of there. Get as far away as possible from Clown Woods, call in the National Guard and have them level the place with napalm and send these clowns back to the demon dimension from which they came. Yes, the people currently chained up in that cabin by the lake will die, too, but they’ll thank you for it.
Wed, 08/31/2016 - 11:47am — Anonymous
Kirk and Callahan start the 9am discussing the soon-to-come Tom Brady four game suspension and what will happen during that stretch for TB12 and the Pats. The guys then dig back into the Kaepernick discussion in this 9am hour podcast.
Wed, 08/31/2016 - 11:45am — Anonymous
Kirk Minihane reads the Wednesday news & gossip headlines, much to the chagrin of the auditioning Gary Tanguay who had prepared to take the lead.
Wed, 08/31/2016 - 11:29am — Anonymous
Kirk, Gerry and Gary Tanguay welcome Pats QB Jimmy G to the program, and then discuss the Pats' QB situation in this upload of the entire 8am hour of Wednesday's show.
Wed, 08/31/2016 - 11:26am — Anonymous
Minihane and Callahan give their first reaction to San Francisco QB Colin Kaepernick refusing to stand for the national anthem
Wed, 08/31/2016 - 11:24am — Anonymous
The 6am hour opens with a new show name & intro as 'Kirk and Callahan' debuts (featuring auditioning host Gary Tanguay in the lead chair). The guys spend most of the first segment reflecting on the two day Jimmy Fund event.
Wed, 08/31/2016 - 10:58am — Anonymous
This corn field maze is the Davis Mega Maze in Sterling, Massachusetts. Back when my kids were little, this was an annual pilgrimage for us. I distinctly recall us going to the dinosaur-themed maze one year and a pirate one the next. I always thought it was just the right mix of “Children of the Corn” creepiness and harmless, autumn family funtivity.
But this? This elevates cornfield mazery to an art form. And a completely justified tribute to a Boston sports icon. Plenty of athletes are Hall of Fame worthy. A select few get their numbers retired. An elite number get statues. But there’s only one who has ever deserved and gotten his own corn maze.
It’s the perfect tribute to David Ortiz in his farewell season. Because he finally has the proper cornfield to walk into after his final game.
With “Madden NFL 17″ now spreading across the population of the U.S. and infecting all like the zombie virus, CBS Sports has done what it does every year the game comes out, which is to run a simulation of the entire upcoming NFL season. With spectacular results. Which is to say, spectacularly ridiculous results.
The CBS simulation has the AFC East shaking out like this:
It has the Patriots losing in the wild card round to the Steelers in Foxboro by a score of 43-35.
And Tom Brady, apparently shaken by his early-season suspension, demoralized by his team’s worst regular season in 15 years, and stunned at the sight of the Steelers humiliating him with the worst one-and-done postseason of his career, retires at the end of 2016 in shame.
It wouldn’t be unreasonable for Patriots fans to be a little concerned. Assuming these “Madden” ratings of player performance are fairly accurate, the assessment of teams is based somewhat on past performance and these sims have been to some extent predictive of things like Super Bowl matchups in the past. Hell, simulations like this are used to predict weather, famines and wars, with sometimes uncanny accuracy. A 10-6 season by the Patriots followed by a blowout loss in the first round of the playoffs and Brady walking away in disgust is not out of the realm of possibility.
Wait. The simulation also has the Falcons winning the Super Bowl. That would be the same Falcons who went 8-8 last year, were 21st in offense and 19th in defense, and whose quarterback Matt Ryan has lost the confidence of everyone on Earth. Just for that alone, EA Sports should do a nationwide recall on all “Madden 17″ games and completely rework the software because this thing is broke.
I think we’re safe, New England. Nothing to see here.
The 2014 first-round draft pick was dropping back to pass during a non-contract drill when his left leg gave out. He suffered a dislocated knee and torn ACL that will sideline him for at least this season.
Some players were swearing as they walked off the field, while others knelt in prayer as Bridgewater was receiving medical attention. An ambulance quickly arrived to take him to the hospital.
Tweeted receiver Jarius Wright: Sometimes the worst things happen to the best [people]. God has a plan.
Coach Mike Zimmer faces a challenge trying to get his team ready for Thursday’s final preseason game against the Rams and then the regular season.
“I’m not going to let this team feel sorry for itself,” Zimmer said. “We’re going to grieve today and be upset about it. It’s more about our feelings for Teddy and him as a person and getting better than it is about anything else. Teddy’s a great kid and he’ll be back as soon as he possibly can if it is real bad. But we’re going to keep fighting.”
Bridgewater’s backup is 36-year-old Shaun Hill, who started eight games for the Rams in 2014 but has not played much since. Taylor Heinicke, an undrafted free agent who was the team’s No. 3 quarterback last season, has been out all preseason with a foot injury and is not expected to return to practice until late September. Undrafted rookie Joel Stave reportedly has not inspired much confidence with his performance in practice.
“We’re not going to stick our heads in the sand, we’re not going to tuck our [tail between] our legs,” Zimmer said. “We’re not looking for excuses. We’re going to go out and fight like we always do.”
A video of Zamora hitting his dog eight times with a belt and kicking it was obtained by KXXV News Channel 25 in Waco, Texas, last week. The incident happened in June, and Zamora was charged with a Class C misdemeanor and fined.
Baylor also said the sophomore must perform 40 hours of community service, and he was forced to undergo counseling and give up the dog to relatives.
“I am sorry that I took out my frustration on my dog and accept the punishment that comes with it,” Zamora said in a statement. “This incident will never, ever happen again. I truly love my dog, however, I know that my actions showed differently and I know that I made a big mistake. I apologize to my family, teammates, Baylor University and our fans for my actions.
“Eventually, I hope that everyone can see who I really am and that I am not a terrible person. This incident does not and will not define me, and I know that I am the one who will have to prove that to others in the days ahead.”
Zamora, who caught nine passes for 132 yards and two touchdowns last season, had been listed as a starter on the depth chart that the team released Monday.
ON THIS DAY TRIVIA (answer below): On Aug. 31, 2002, which Red Sox player committed an error for the first time in 250 games, ending his American League-record fielding streak at 592 chances?
QUOTE OF THE DAY: “You can’t let one of their big sticks beat you, and I did.” — Red Sox reliever Clay Buchholz, after allowing an eighth-inning home run Tuesday to Evan Longoria in Boston’s 4-3 loss to the Rays
STAT OF THE DAY: 28 — Major league teams that sent representatives to watch Tim Tebow’s workout Tuesday in Los Angeles, with only the Cubs and Athletics taking a pass