The Patriots’ locker room attendant’s potty break ushers in Toiletgate. (Doug Pensinger/Getty Images)
Pro Football Talk – On Monday, Jay Glazer of FOX Sports added the next new big piece of news in #DeflateGate, reporting that the NFL has interviewed a locker room attendant who allegedly took footballs from the officials’ locker room after they had been inspected and approved ‘to another area on way to field’ before the start of the game.
PFT can now contribute additional details to that story.
First, per a league source, the other ‘area on way to field’ is a bathroom. The bathroom consists of one toilet and one sink and a door that locks from the inside.
Second, according to the same source, the person carried two bags of balls into the bathroom: the 12 balls to be used by the Patriots and the 12 balls to be used by the Colts.
Third, from the same source, the evidence comes from a surveillance video that was discovered by the Patriots and given to the NFL early in the investigation.
Fourth, again from the same source, the video shows the employee in the bathroom for approximately 90 seconds.
OK, now this investigation is getting some place. To be fair, my broadcast partner Dale Arnold said the locker room attendant guy was probably on a bathroom break and no one believed him. But son of a gun, he was right.
To think, all this time I’ve been talking about what silly, inconsequential nonsense this all is. A ridiculous, overblown, embarrassment and the low point in the history of journalism. But that was when we were just wasting our time on things like air pressure, ball boys and temperature differentials. But now that we’re talking about something serious, something important, like the locker room kid’s trip to the potty, we’re finally getting some place. Deflategate has now escalated to Toiletgate.
But this report asks more questions than it answers. What WAS he doing in that bathroom? Was he going Number Two? Because that seems unlikely. Unless it was one of those perfect, double-tapered ones that George Brett talked about, and that to me seems pretty far fetched. So he must have just peed, in which case we have to ask what else went on in there? Did he lift the seat or was it already up? Did he flush? How many times did he shake it after? And what’s up with the 90 seconds? I suppose he could squeeze one out in that much time. But even if he only had to take a little leak, that still doesn’t leave much time to wash his hands. And if he didn’t wash them, I think the NFL needs to know why.
I mean, think about what a pair of unwashed pee hands could do to a football. They could change the feel, the tackiness, the air pressure. And if the Patriots had an attendant handling the balls with pee hands, what about the Colts? Isn’t it a competitive disadvantage when one team has bodily fluids on the ball and the other doesn’t?
Oh, and what did Belichick know about this guy’s potty break? You can’t sit there and tell me he’s the smartest, most prepared coach in the NFL and tell me he’s not up on the bathroom habits of his locker room attendants.
And besides, what does all this mean with regards to the footballs? 90 seconds might not be a lot of time to drain the vein, but when you’re sorting through 24 footballs and letting precisely two pounds per square inch out of 12 of them, that is a generous 7.5 seconds per ball. Which is plenty of time. Hell, he might have even been able to do it while he took a whiz, in that same way you check Twitter or send a text when you’re going.
The bottom line (no pun intended, but I won’t fight you on it) is that we need to get the answers to these burning questions about Toiletgate, not only about what went on in that toilet, but what the Patriots knew about that kid’s bladder and when they knew it. Otherwise, this whole Deflategate thing will just be a big, absurd, stupid waste of time.