I’m being totally objective when I say this is brilliant. As in sincerely laugh out loud funny. Usually these scripted charity videos seem canned and awkward. But this is actually funnier than anything I’ve caught on the late night shows in months.

Granted, Damon and Affleck are kidding themselves if they think Brady closer to them than he is to me. My wife and I might not hang with him and Gisele the way the Damons do and maybe I’m not taking my private jet to Vegas with him and my hot nanny like Affleck. But you know it’s true. And just to prove it, I’m putting everything I have to win this party. What’s sending my kid to college when I can have pizza and beer with the G.O.A.T.?

Blog Author: 
Jerry Thornton
Glenn, Lou, and Christian listen back to David Price's bizarre interview with Trenni Kusnierick. Glenn and Lou think David Price is passive-aggressively lashing out at the Media. Christian thinks he's just being a good teammate by saying it's "Not about me."

[0:00:18] ... Keep Marty go I have I don't wanna be part of art Mardi Gras I want to beat out party girl where. Well because I wanna help. You want help for you saw when I went ...
[0:02:34] ... night Astra because Derek was in the the club house. She interviewed David Price and what you guys want to play it right you'll play this long cut. It was a little bit strange and it. ...
[0:03:50] ... vote of the season and that was so that's. Look at this post season rod as a chance for you to improve yourself as big big and its Atkinson is an about me. I'm I'm one of 25 plug other state and we went officers outside. I'd rather have that throw three complete games. I don't that is that's what we're not that's just collecting. On his post season struggles yes but that that is not. Just talking about no that's exactly what he is being eighteen yeah he noticed that score relative had a right like it was a great. It stripped but it was everyone's Mickens such a big deal. Any any thinks he's got a countering it before we'd get to the post season right of your struggles in the post season he's been here and as for some time and it's you know it is differences. Doesn't matter what I do yes it ...
[0:06:39] ... may when he was struggling. Most of the city was really concerned David Price would turnaround. You'll get a free free can pass for a long time. As we just seconds that word Bosnia crisis he's ...






Glenn, Lou, and Christian tell the true story of Gary Tanguay's walk-out yesterday.

[0:02:04] ... to make it deep run this postseason that should be in the World Series is it'd be on yes Christian I don't table we didn't have gas from a sports it. I'm sure the market expectations Coppola. Three levels here and you expect them to go. To the World Series but so I want him last night so last night so it can't guess who apparently beat me anyway I don't know ...
[0:07:43] ... know they're all too yeah athletica. This destruction. Of mandates. But again Curtis brown and other big issue organizer that Weaver which I don't quite yet during the off we went straight with let those guys ...
[0:08:16] ... Spacey who said that. I want organism proper Golden Retriever but because. Buffalo Bills we look at cool it's Rex Ryan but I would have thought you know and it's been like what over a year ...
[0:09:48] ... disciplined program you're job and it's and not some goofy you know child missed twelve year old kids don't. Want to charge us I don't appreciate it if I'd be like outing like there's growth. They ...






Glenn, Lou, and Christian watched last night's Red Sox AL East Champs celebration, and they love the new NESN, especailly the copious F-Bombs and "Party Gary" Striewski. Plus, Christian tries to get Producer Paul to try DMSO horse cream for his leg injury.
Glenn, Lou, and Christian marvel that it's Week 4, and the Patriots are already running away with the Division. Plus, Rex Ryan is being his normal ridiculous self; and could Tom Coughlin be in the Bills' future?

Daily MailEye-watering images have captured the moment firefighters attempted to free a man after his penis became trapped in a wedding ring. 

The 18-year-old from Liuzhou, China’s Guangxi province had his penis stuck in the ring for two days before the pain became so unbearable that he called emergency services for help on September 13. …

In the footage the man can be seen with a bag of ice on his penis.

Then firefighters can be seen using giant pliers to try and cut the wedding band off. 

Boy, if this isn’t one of those “There but for the grace of God go I” moments, I don’t know what is.

What prospective groom hasn’t, at one time or another, almost gotten his penis stuck in his wedding band? It’s got to be up there with falling down stairs or slipping in the shower when it comes to common, household accidents.

So let this be a lesson to us all. Guys with your junk stuck in your wedding ring, you are not alone. There is no shame in what happened to you. Be smart about it. Don’t try to be a hero like my boy here and wait two days of screaming agony because you don’t want to be a burden. Call for help right away. The first responders won’t judge, and they’ve got the pliers you need to free you so you can get on with your life of married bliss. Then you can put your junk where it belongs.

This has been a public service message of Thornography minding you to be smart with your man part.

Blog Author: 
Jerry Thornton
Glenn, Lou, and Christian try to decide who deserves the most credit for the construction of the AL East Champion Red Sox: Ben Cherington or Dave Dombrowski?

Oh my goodness gracious! Peyton Manning riding an alpine slide cart down that great monument to human engineering and slave labor in China? Awesome! Man, I was wondering when we were finally going to get a look at Peyton in the People’s Republic. To go along with the looks we get of him hawking pizza, making cupcakes, shilling for insurance companies, eating at a diner, driving in a car, grabassing with the national broadcast crews, insulting Tom Brady at celebrity roasts, etc. etc.

There was one saving grace to watching Paymeaton end his career with a Super Bowl last February. And it was that he was riding off into the sunset. Instead, not only has he not reached the sunset, he never left town. Hell, he never even gotten on his horse. He’s still standing in the middle of the town pushing his stupid products and in our faces more than he ever was playing 16 games and getting bounced out in the first round of the playoffs.

Since the thumb-headed goober “retired,” his life has become a 24-hour a day reality show. “The Truman Show.” “The Peyton Show.” At least when he was playing you could always switch to the other game. But there’s no avoiding him. And naturally, the media wing of the NFL is leading the charge, providing wall-to-wall coverage of every vacation, business venture, funtivity and bathroom break Richie Rich here takes. As a matter of fact, the only place you can’t find him now is Al Jazeera, who got taken off the air once they outed him for HGH-use.

So enjoy. Embrace it. Follow Peyton on his trip around China from Beijing to the bottom of the Great Wall. But unless he slides into a Communist work camp at the end, leave me out of it. I’m getting plenty of him as it is.

Blog Author: 
Jerry Thornton

 

The Ryder Cup is this weekend, and it’s one of my favorite events on the (semi-annual) sports calendar. Partly because it’s deliciously blended strong cocktail of pressure golf, team pride and nationalism. But also because there is genuine bad blood.

There is far too little good, old fashioned hatred left in sports any more. Particularly in a game like golf, which has always suffered from a deplorable amount of sportsmanship and gentility. All of which goes right into the water hazard when it comes to the Ryder Cup.

It might have started in Brookline in 1999, when the British tabloids responded to Europe’s epic collapse by blaming the (allegedly) drunken hordes of (supposedly) loud, obnoxious Massholes who (reportedly) wouldn’t stop heckling the Euros. Regardless of when it began, the animosity is real. and will no doubt be on display at Hazeltine.

Enter Pete Willett, a British writer for National Club Golfer and brother of Team Europe golfer Danny Willett. He just wrote a classic hate piece about the American golf crowd that should make every blogger proud:

For the Americans to stand a chance of winning, they need their baying mob of imbeciles to caress their egos every step of the way. Like one of those brainless bastards from your childhood, the one that pulled down your shorts during the school’s Christmas assembly (f**k you, Paul Jennings), they only have the courage to keg you if they’re backed up by a giggling group of reprobates. Team Europe needs to shut those groupies up.

They need to silence the pudgy, basement-dwelling, irritants, stuffed on cookie dough and pissy beer, pausing between mouthfuls of hotdog so they can scream ‘Baba booey’ until their jelly faces turn red.

They need to stun the angry, unwashed, Make America Great Again swarm, desperately gripping their concealed-carry compensators and belting out a mini-erection inducing ‘mashed potato,’ hoping to impress their cousin.

They need to smash the obnoxious dads, with their shiny teeth, Lego man hair, medicated ex-wives, and resentful children. Squeezed into their cargo shorts and boating shoes, they’ll bellow ‘get in the hole’ whilst high-fiving all the other members of the Dentists’ Big Game Hunt Society.

Team Europe need to silence these cretins quickly.

Wow. All I can say is “wow.” I’m not even insulted. I just sit at my keyboard in awe at the brilliant use of the common language which separates our people to express his pure, spite-filled contempt for us. It’s like being in the audience at a great insult comic’s show, where you simply admire the skill it takes to pull it off.

So kudos to you, Pete Willett. I’ve written a million hate pieces about fans of the Yankees, Jets, Bills, Ravens, Raiders and more. I’ve mocked and ridiculed fanbases from one end of the continent to the other. But I’m truly humbled in the presence of such talent. And any man who hates the “Baba Booey” crowd and “Get in the hole!” Guy as much as you, can share a hot dog and a pissy beer with me anytime.

Blog Author: 
Jerry Thornton

I love it. The Red Sox celebrating going worst-to-first in their division the way they should. By carpet bombing the Yankee Stadium locker room with F-bombs like it’s Berlin in 1945.

In order to truly embraced in its hometown, a team should be a reflection of its city. And that’s what this was. We are rude, vulgar and give no F’s what the rest of the world thinks. You think these Sox players or their manager worries about what goes out over live television? Then that just proves you haven’t been paying attention all this time. This is the team whose best hitter got the head of the FCC to give his blessing to the best live F-bomb of all time. As Ralphie Parker said of his dad, the Sox work in profanity the way other artists might work in oils or clay.

Boston. F-yeah.

Blog Author: 
Jerry Thornton