The first 30 or so minutes of this Bill Simmons podcast is Chuck Klosterman discussing the profile/self-aggrandizing hatchet piece he did on Tom Brady for the GQ “Men of the Year” issue. Listen if you’re so inclined. But let me warn you in advance: That way lies madness.
If you’d prefer to keep your sanity, allow me to boil it down for you. Klosterman’s takeaway is essentially what it was in print. That because Brady declined to talk about Deflategate, he must be guilty. Or as I’d prefer to put it, because Brady declined to help Chuck Klosterman do an alien rectal probe on him (Chuck Colostoman? I’ll work on it…) regarding an issue he’d spent all spring and summer on, a matter that ended up in federal court where he was exonerated by a judge but which still has a pending appeal and any comments by him would be tantamount to tossing a distraction grenade toward his organization in the middle of a football season where he is the best player on the best team in the NFL, he must be guilty.
Not to mention, Brady did the white hot babymaking photo shoot before the interview, which somehow is an affront to Chuck Klosterman, the guy being paid to do a profile of the cover model in a men’s fashion magazine. Got it.
But this is nothing new. Klosterman might be an effete, pretentious, pseudo-intellectual “essayist,” but he’s playing the same game that’s been played by everyone from the bitterest, old school, Dan Shaughnessian newspaper hack to the lowliest, bottom feeding comments section reptile. He’s guilty because they say so. The science doesn’t prove the footballs were tampered with, there’s no evidence he was involved in tampering with them, if anything was going on there’s no inference in any of his communications he knew anything about it, and a neutral judge exonerated him completely. But he did … something.
I can almost understand why a wannabe literati like Chuck Klosterman would be so deeply offended by Tom Brady‘s perfectly valid decision not to bare his soul in a column that will only be read by 50-year-old guys at the CVS magazine rack waiting for their Lipitor prescriptions to be filled. But how does Bill Simmons play along? How does the Boston Sports Guy calmly sit there, claim to be a Patriots fan and not verbally tear Klosterman’s hipster beard off his face? If you needed proof he never really represented this part of the country, there’s all the proof you need.
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