If there’s one thing I can’t get enough of, one thirst that I just cannot satisfy no matter how often I drain the glass dry, it’s listening to Roger Goodell’s lies. His bald-faced, shameless lies fuel me. They’re the nectar of the gods that keep me going. Chicken soup for my dark, twisted soul.
So it was with great anticipation I looked forward to Tuesday’s NFL owners meetings in Charlotte, because I knew I could count on the Commissar to open that Falsehood Factory he calls a mouth and spew out his weekly quota. And he did not disappoint.
Goodell was asked about the scathing congressional report that skewered him and his league for pulling money out of a study into concussions once they learned they would not be able to influence the results.
“I didn’t see the report,” Goodell said. “We were traveling down here. But I take a much different position to that on several fronts. One is, our commitment to medical research is well-documented. We made a commitment to the NIH. It is normal practice to have discussions back and forth with the NIH. We have our commitment of $30 million to the NIH. We’re not pulling that back one bit.”
Oh, yeah. That hits the spot. Drink it in. It always goes down smooth.
So in short, the Congress of the United States releases a report attacking the NFL over its handling of the one major issue that is the one major threat facing the future of the sport itself, and he fixes his mouth to claim he couldn’t be bothered to read it because he was flying to Charlotte. Right. I mean, we’ve all gotten caught up in a lengthy profile of Rachel Ray in the in-flight magazine and just couldn’t put it down. And that 90-page bomb dropped on our industry from the executive branch of the federal government will just have to wait.
Of course, not having read the report didn’t stop the CommissionserBot 2000 from expansively and definitively denying everything in it. Which was a tall, frosty mug of lies with a fib chaser.
But it didn’t stop there. He actually had the unmitigated audacity to suggest Congress owed it to him to run the investigation past him before it released the findings. “A congressman issued that report without even talking to any of our advisers,” Goodell said. “I don’t think that’s appropriate. I don’t think that’s the right way to do things.”
Fantastic. Oh, happy days. This is why he’s making $38 million a year. A man with any sort of a conscience wouldn’t be able to form those words without breaking character halfway through with a “Bwahahaha! Who am I kidding?! Of course I’m lying through my teeth! I read the report. They got us dead to rights. Oh, man. I could NOT keep a straight face!”
But not Goodell. He lies about cooking the CTE books with the same disaffected, emotionless skill that he lied about Ray Rice, Greg Hardy, Deflategate and every other topic he ever touches. And I’m addicted to it. One Roger Goodell lie is too many, and a thousand isn’t enough.
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