It’s a new year, and time for a new gimmick. I got sick of writing about the same five teams for my Power and Sour rankings, so I have decided to switch it up. Instead, I will rank the entire roster of our hometown squadron, the Boston Celtics. These rankings are based on gut feelings and convenient statistics. If you disagree, which if you are a regular WEEI commenter you will, please sound off at the bottom of the page. If that doesn’t feel like a enough of a personal attack, please yell at me on Twitter @SPackGuy.
Honorable mention: Tim Frazier
I love me some D-League, and especially some Maine Red Claws. Frazier is easily the best player stashed up in Maine, and I wouldn’t be surprised to see him get a 10-day contract later in the season.
15. Gerald Wallace
Averaging seven minutes per game and sounds like a didgeridoo.
14. Jameer Nelson
13. Brandan Wright
12. Jae Crowder
Small sample size, but I do like Crowder’s hairdo and his defensive intensity. Given Wright’s length, I expected to see him get more minutes. Never predict a Brad Stevens rotation.
11. Phil Pressey
Instant energy off the bench, but really too short to make a significant impact. He consistently drives with reckless abandon with no intention of attempting a shot. It’s frustrating.
10. James Young
Young has only played in six games, but he is the future, and one time he answered some of my questions about his time in Maine. Can you believe he has never been to Freeport? I just hope he continues to get minutes, because he clearly has a knack for getting buckets.
9. Marcus Thornton
Marcus “The Microwave” Thornton is the Celtics‘ only irrational confidence scorer. Injuries have kept him out of the lineup and thus low on the rankings. He does win the award for Celtic I would most like to hang out with.
8. Brandon Bass
“BASS IS WHO YOU THOUGHT HE WAS!” Thanks to Dennis Green for the guest commentary. I hope for Bass’ sake that Danny Ainge finds him a nice contender for whom he can play meaningful minutes down the stretch. There is really no reason he couldn’t be the Warriors’ version of P.J. Brown.
7. Avery Bradley
Without a doubt, AB has been the most disappointing player on the team. He just keeps shooting and shooting and shooting, and the ball rarely goes in. I appreciate his defense, but you need more that 12.5 PPG and 32 percent from 3 from your starting shooting guard.
6. Marcus Smart
Smart has had some great moments, but he also has struggled to run the offense, often committing stupid turnovers. Stevens tried him as the starting PG and quickly realized that was a horrible mistake. Plus, Rob Bradford hates his shot, so he can’t be top five.
5. Kelly Olynyk
Jelly Man Kelly has done quite well ever since he started coming off the bench. He goes through stretches where, depending on the opponent, he might be the second-best player on the court. He needs to continue to stay aggressive and possibly cut his hair. Jelly Man Kelly with a Brian Bosworth haircut would not only scare small children, it would produce at least four more points a game.
4. Evan Turner
The people of the Internet love to hate Evan Turner. Maybe it’s because he was a No. 2 overall pick, maybe it’s because his voice is very confusing, maybe it’s the fact that he is guaranteed to commit two dumb turnovers each game. With that being said, Turner has done an very good job when starting at PG and is one of the few Celtics who can create his own shot.
3. Jeff Green
Before the Rondo trade, Uncle Jeff would have been at No. 1 on these rankings. He had yet to put together one of those classic Jeff Green clunkers where he forgets that its his job to shoot the basketball. After the Rondo trade, he has seemed mildly depressed and had his first three games where he only scored in single digits. It almost like he is aware that he is going to be traded soon and that somehow is affecting his play? I know, Crazybeans.
2. Jared Sullinger
Before the season there was an absurd amount of Sully-hype. (I’m looking at you r/BostonCeltics) After hearing it suggested that he could be an All-Star this year, I started the year with an anti-Sully agenda. Slowly but surely, with each double-digit rebound game, I have climbed back on the Sullinger Caboose (pun intended because, you know, he has a giant ass). Before I can consider myself fully on board, Sully needs to stop throwing up a shot every time he finds himself with the ball beyond the arc. If he can limit the 3’s, then ALL ABOARD.
1. Tyler Zeller, aka #GodZeller
This guy has the softest hands in the league. He has a knack for finding the right place to be in transition and has the ability to catch almost any pass thrown in his direction. Everyone assumed that with Rondo gone he would stop producing, but everyone was wrong. Zeke has unparalleled finesse around the rim and actually is playing decent low-post defense. The only thing that could make #GodZeller better would be if he did the Sam Cassel big balls celly after hitting one of his beautiful two-footers. I know that is a complete pipe dream because as I understand it, if you are from the Midwest you are not allowed to have a personality. (Just look at the head coaching robot B. Stevens).